Now, my short-haired opponent will probably spend the majority of his column discussing my alternative choice in hairstyles, and the drinking challenge I issued to settle our argument properly. Since my hair is of no concern to this argument, and a drinking contest is obviously out of the question due to several factors including, but not limited to, my opponent’s lack of courage, let’s discuss the issue.
The benefits of a pub on campus are twofold. One, by having a pub on campus, it encourages students who are over 21 to actually go to campus. “Hey man, let’s go to the pub after class,” as opposed to, “Let’s buy some forties and ditch class.” It promotes class attendance, and with that boost in class attendance comes better grades and more students transferring to four-year colleges.
Secondly, the pub promotes the atmosphere of an actual university. With the increased presence of students on campus comes an increased participation in going to athletic events and other school-run functions. This would create a campus that college students are both proud to attend and that boasts involved students.
I won’t even go into the increased revenues the school will receive, but instead would like to respond to the inevitable cons.
Of course, the success of a pub on campus would be entirely in the hands of the students themselves. If we could be responsible and use designated drivers or take the bus, then the complaint that it is a safety hazard because this is a commuter school becomes invalid.
Another concern would be with underage students either gaining access to the pub or getting in using a fake ID. Having a staff at the pub that not only know how to spot a fake ID, but also are diligent enough to monitor the students who come in and check their IDs, easily solves both of these problems.
Let’s make Saddleback College a college where students don’t just go to class and zip straight home after. Let’s make the college one were students have pride in being Gauchos. A campus pub will help make that dream become a reality.
What my long-haired opponent doesn’t seem to understand is the vulgarity implied by accusing someone of stepping down from a challenge, without at least extending the courtesy of first inviting them to said contest. Would it not lead one to think that this libelous proclamation was likely made to defend one’s own liquor-holding inadequacies?
The truth of it is that I would clearly be the victor. First off, I’m bigger than he is, and anyone who has been to remedial traffic school knows that more body mass equals a gnarlier booze capacity. Secondly, I’m of German stock: enough said. Lastly, I’ve been at this awhile. I began shot-gunning cans of Labatt at some point in the mid-’90s and have been rigorously training for situations like this ever since.
I say, bring it on, Cousins.
But I digress. If I’ve read the memo correctly, it seems that we’re discussing the feasibility of serving booze on the Saddleback campus. Are you kidding me? Don’t we have enough of a truancy issue as it is?
Lest I remind you, before you rage out because there are other colleges that have bars, Saddleback is a strictly a commuter school. Even the people that live across the street drive here. On-campus housing is a key factor to the success of a campus pub. There’s no “scene” here after suppertime, the time when people typically go to bars, which leads me to my next point.
Since nobody is around here to drink at night, then the drinking will have to occur during the day. Is it wise to be promoting liquid lunches to community college students? That sort of thing can only lead to lifetimes of broken dreams and Ted Kennedy noses. We’d be stumbling around like civil servants at the Kremlin.
As enticing as a nice chianti sounds alongside my next order of Sunshine Chicken Strips, there’s just no way to avoid a Saddleback pub being way lame. With no residency scene on campus and a clientele of lunchtime lushes, it’ll just end up infested with ornery, happy-hour-heroes that never figure out why they can’t hold down jobs. The last thing we want to do is invite a pod of total buzz kills to start congregating on campus. That’s why there are strip clubs.
Originally published, for fun, here.